With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, many successful real estate agents across the country will be doing what they do every February: dropping chocolates, flowers, handwritten cards, and in a few prominent cases, cherry pies, on their clients’ doorsteps.
And strangely enough … it works.
Not because chocolate makes people sell their houses.
Not because cherry pie opens the list.
But because Valentine’s Day taps into something much older than real estate.
Long before people had open houses, CRM programs, or market reports, we had … grooming.
Anthropologist Robin Dunbar asserted that apes use physical grooming to build trust, strengthen social bonds, and maintain group cohesion. It was not hygienic. It was social. Decoration says: I see you. You are important. You are part of my circle.
The problem, Dunbar noted, is that self-correction is not equal. You can pick fleas, lice and ticks off the backs of many friends a day before your calendar fills up or your arms fall off. (despite how fun parasites can be)
So people come up with something better.
In Coaching, Whispering and the Evolution of LanguageDunbar suggested that language itself evolved as a form of social repair, a way to maintain high-level relationships through shared knowledge, storytelling, and gossip. Instead of touching each other’s hair, we understood each other’s context.
(Dunbar, Coaching, Whispering and the Evolution of Language1996; Wikipedia summary:
In other words, we build relationships by sharing useful information.
It’s the same as monkeys, but with better tools.
Evolution
Now fast forward about 50,000 years.
Every February, agents deliver chocolates and flowers. In October, Pumpkins, in November, it’s pumpkin pies. Sometimes it is branded. Sometimes it’s homemade, sometimes it’s from Costco.
And it works for the same self-grooming reason that worked for monkeys.
Psychologists call it general consensusa deep human emotion to return the favor when someone gives us something of value. When people receive an unexpected gift or helpful gesture, they feel a subtle internal pressure to return something later, even if nothing was asked for at the time.
(Caldini, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion; summary:
It doesn’t make sense. It is not a transaction. It is pure social logic. Your inner monkey is keeping score.
This is where agents do this wrong silently.
Almost every agent says, “We like to be sent.”
They say the whole year. They print it on signs, magnets, and business cards.
They even recorded it on benches at bus stops.
They ask for themselves… without giving anything first.
“Do you know anyone who wants to sell?”
“I’m just coming in.”
“I would really appreciate your shipment this year.”
That’s not building relationships, that’s calling people, and it’s just noise.
It violates the oldest rule of trust-building: don’t ask for a favor before you include value.
That’s why Valentine’s Day signs work.
They do not sell, sell or ask for anything. Just small deposits.
This is also why value-first access works when all else fails.
When someone shares relevant, personalized real estate information like home value changes, equity growth, property price trends, it doesn’t sound like marketing.
It sounds like: “Wow. This person is paying attention to me.” It’s like the little hit of dopamine you get from liking your Facebook post. That is self-correction in Dunbar’s sense. That is a trust deposit. Various wrappers. Same brain.
We’ve found that when people answer questions, they don’t raise their hand for a chance to sell. They reciprocate. They continue the social exchange.
Still monkeys. He is still preparing.
Hopefully, with fewer fleas and more spreadsheets.
Dunbar’s insight came from observing monkeys, but it was really about measurement. People needed a way to keep thousands of people in contact without physical contact or constant communication. Language solved that.
Today, data and useful information serve the same purpose.
They allow you to stay relevant, useful, and faithful in every relationship far more than your memory or calendar can. Just by giving first.
In my experience, most people don’t get involved because they are ready to buy or sell at that point.
They participate because they are seen, helped, and given something of value.
That’s not marketing, that’s anthropology.
We are still the same social animals we were 50,000 years ago.
We recently exchanged makeup for cherry pie, chocolate hearts, and personal details.
And the law hasn’t changed:
If you scratch my back,
I’ll scratch yours.
Let me know your tip for instilling trust in prospects in the comments, and please send a pie.
Dunbar, RIM (1996). Coaching, Whispering and the Evolution of Language. Harvard University Press.
Cialdini, R. (2006). Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.
Summary of the principle of reciprocity:
Chris Drayer is the founder and CEO of Revaluate.
This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of HousingWire’s editorial department and its owners. To contact the editor responsible for this piece: [email protected].
